More babies?

One of the questions that I am frequently asked and am frequently asking myself is if and when I might want to have another baby. For a long time I was really sad about this question but I am finally in a very good place with it. It took me 5 months to get to this place but I really think I'm totally at peace with it.

At first I felt like I needed to have an answer, I needed to figure out if I was or if I wasn't going to have another baby. I've always been a planner so I didn't like the fact that I no longer had a clear vision for my family. Before prematurity happened I wanted 4 kids that were all 2-3 years apart. I had every intention of fulfilling that vision, but what I had not intended was to start my family this early at the age of 22. Cameron came along though and we were fine with that but then prematurity happened and that is what changed everything.

The nice thing is the pressure is completely off, I no longer have ANY expectations for myself or my family. None whatsoever. With that vision of having 4 kids 2-3 years apart no longer possible I have completely let go of the dream. I am putting no pressure on myself to have another baby at a certain point in time. I am putting no pressure on myself to even decide if I want another baby by a certain point in time. I honestly just don't really care anymore what my future self decides. So my simple answer to the question of will I have more babies is "I really don't know".

Here is what I do know: Cameron is the center of my world and the light of my life. Right now the only thing I care about is enjoying every single day that I get to wake up and be just Cameron's mom. I love that little girl more than anything I could possibly imagine and I am excited about the fact that I get to enjoy her and only her as much as I want, for as long as I want without worrying about if and when there will be more babies to follow. And I have to say I am really liking this freedom.

In hindsight, I am so glad I had Cameron at 22 because when it comes to having more babies, age isn't a factor which allows me to put no pressure on myself. I don't have to worry about how my time is running out to have another baby. I could decide I want another baby in 10 years and I will still only be 32 years old. But I could always decide I want one sooner. Again though, I'm not concerned about what my future self decides, all I know is I have plenty of time so I'm just leaving it at that. Either I will wake up one day and feel ready to try again or I won't wake up one day and feel ready to try again but that only time will tell.

Do I have a guess? Yes, I think Josh and I will be ready again one day. I think my desire to have another baby will eventually outweigh my fears. But I truly have NO idea when. And while I think I will be ready again it doesn't mean I will be and I am 100% okay with that.