Closure

I went and visited my sister in law at the hospital today who had just given birth to a new beautiful baby boy. It was the same hospital that I spent a month on bed rest, delivered Cameron, and then spent close to 3 months in the NICU. I had not been back since Cam's discharge and I'll admit I was nervous. Pulling into the parking garage and smelling the hospital smells brought back a lot of very upsetting memories. I couldn't not think about the 150+ times that I had to drive away from the hospital while leaving my baby behind, many of which she was still critically ill and there was no real promise of her ever coming home. It was emotional but I was greatly comforted by the fact that I could freely bring my baby with me and then leave with her in hand.

First we went to visit the NICU. We got to see so many of her wonderful nurses. It was really great seeing them and they LOVED seeing her. They thought she was absolutely humongous and just adorable (obviously). It really was fun to enter as a NICU "grad" and then leave again with Cameron and not have to look back. Cameron was in bed 1 during her stay which was right in front so you can see her station pretty easily. It was occupied with a new baby and another set of terrified parents. The NICU was just as busy as ever and it was clear that they took no time whatsoever to move on from us after we left. Two of the nurses did say they had been talking about us on Friday night wondering how we were doing, so that felt good that we weren't completely forgotten about. But all in all the place had obviously moved on. So why am I letting the NICU define me? Why do I still let it play such a big part in my life? It is becoming much more of a distant memory but I always feel like I left a piece of my heart here as cheesy as that sounds. Knowing that one day we will completely be forgotten though gives me closure. I don't need to leave that piece of my heart there, I can keep it and leave it with Cameron. Again, very cheesy but true.

Second we went up to post partum to see our sister in law and the new baby. Post partum was not a familiar place to me since I was never there during my stay. I was on the high risk OB unit before giving birth and they kept me there after Cameron was born since I had already been "living" there for over a month and it was on the same floor as the NICU. But the post partum unit, located on the next floor up, right next to the healthy baby nursery was like a symbol of what I never had, what I didn't get to experience. I had wanted that experience desperately and really didn't even come close to getting it. So I thought going there would be emotional and make me sad. Like I'd be walking into this magical place with fireworks and confetti and people prancing around singing joyous songs. But it was just a regular place, filled with exhausted new mommies desperate for some pain relief and a good night's sleep. I realize now that when you don't get something you had wanted so badly, you romanticize it. I had romanticized the full term post partum/healthy newborn experience. Of course the moms are smitten with their new babies and of course I'd love to have this experience one day but it isn't hallways lined with gold and full of rainbows. I still got similar moments. Seeing Cameron's sweet face for the first time was pure bliss, whether or not she was in an isolette. And bringing her home was not a mediocre experience, it was the happiest I think I've ever been. It all just happened in a different way and there were a lot more stressors in between. So again, it gave me some closure by putting things into perspective a little bit.

I'm finding myself in a better place every day. Slowly healing more and more from what happened. The pain will never go away completely but it's no longer the foreground of my emotions. I think I really needed this hospital visit. I needed this closure and it feels good to have it.

Movin' on up!

Cameron just hit 11 pounds and is on the verge of growing out of her 0-3 month clothing. I was getting all of her 3-6 month clothing ready and found myself nostalgic of the times she was in her itty bitty preemie clothes. She gets bigger and stronger every day but I can't help remembering how sweet she was when she was so tiny. Here is the comparison between all her preemie clothes (mind you she was even swimming in that stuff for a while) and her 3-6 month clothes. Part of me gets sad when she moves up a clothing size because I get sad at how fast she's growing up but part of me loves it because it's like I get to dress her up in a brand new wardrobe of cute girly clothes all over again!

Pedi appointment and I'm sick AGAIN

Cam had her 6 month pediatrician appointment today. She got her last set of shots until she turns a year old!! She has had so many shots, through all her days in the NICU, her synagis shots, and her well baby vaccinations, she has had way too many shots in her short life. I am so happy that she is done for 6 months! She did great though and calmed right down. She was 10 pounds 13 ounces and 22 1/4 inches long. Her height was about 10th percentile, weight was almost 25th, and head circumference was 50th (all for adjusted age, not actual). Her head is huge! But she has great head control so it's okay, we just know she is all brains ;) Her doctor was very happy with her growth and development as usual. Once again she says everything looks perfect and Cam got a totally clean bill of health! We go back for an official weight check in 6 weeks and our next real appointment is at the end of June. At that time we will discuss having another echocardiogram done on Cameron's heart to make sure her PDA is closed. And the pediatrician would like us to start feeding her solids in one month! I am excited to start doing that, I think it's going to be a lot of fun! I think that's about all we discussed. Not much exciting news but that's okay, it just means she's healthy as usual!

I on the other hand am not healthy. I have ANOTHER cold. This is the FIFTH time I've been sick this winter. I have never been sick this much in one winter. I had strep in December, the flu earlier this month, and a total of three colds. As most people know, we are on "winter quarantine". Cameron is not allowed to go out to public places like grocery stores, restaurants, churches, large family gatherings, etc until RSV season is over. And since Cameron never goes out of the house, obviously I don't get out much either. It seems that every time I go out and do anything at all, I end up getting sick two days later. I think this whole winter quarantine thing is backfiring in a way, I'm not a scientist but here is my theory. I am not going out and about into the world being exposed to this winter's germs so I'm not building up any immunity to them like I normally would on a day to day basis. So on the rare occasion that I do get out, I get sick without fail. I have no immunities to this year's germs so any little thing I pick up gets me sick. Ugh. I can't wait until flu/cold/RSV seasons is officially over. Luckily, Cameron has yet to get sick from me. If I weren't breast feeding it might be a different story but that is one of the huge benefits of breast milk. The antibodies that I produce against an illness when I get sick enter my breast milk within 24 hours so in the case that Cameron picks up germs from me, she will already be getting the antibodies to kill it off. The trouble would be if she got sick first, obviously I would not be producing any antibodies against that specific illness for her but thankfully that hasn't happened. Anyways, I'm not sure about cold/flu season but RSV season is officially over at the end of April (I'd guess cold/flu season ends around the same time) and it can't get here any sooner!!

Strange day

Today is the day that for the very first time Cameron has lived longer at home than she lived in the hospital. Every day from here on out, her hospital stay will be a smaller and smaller portion of her life, more and more of a distant memory. It feels like we were in the NICU for an agonizingly long period of time and every day seemed to creep by slower than ever, while the time that she has spent at home has completely flown by. It truly is hard to believe that she has lived with us at home longer than she hasn't. It feels good though! That got me thinking about something else too. Within the next couple of weeks Cameron will have actually lived for a longer period of time on the outside world than she did inside of me while I was pregnant. She is growing up :) Here are some photos I took earlier today. I love the little booties she is wearing, plus she was pretty smiley during the photo shoot! And don't mind the drool either, she's been drooling quite a bit lately.

NICU follow up! (long)

Throughout the next couple of years Cameron will have NICU follow up appointments with a neonatologist who specializes in development. As a 26 week NICU grad they want to monitor really closely since she is so high risk for having developmental delays. The NICU follow up clinic is at the Cleveland Clinic Children's Hospital and we had our first appointment today!

First of all, the doctor and the nurse practitioner who will be following her could not believe she was a 26 weeker! They were so impressed with her muscle tone, strength, head control, and head shape among other things. They had absolutely no concerns from a developmental standpoint which is obviously good news. I worry a lot about developmental delays but everything looks good to them so I am really happy! It's still early but they felt like she looked exceptionally healthy for a 26 week preemie.

Unfortunately they did have one concern, and that is Cameron is getting too F-A-T, and if you have ever seen Josh and I, you can imagine my surprise at this (although I have to admit I love the chubby cheeks and leg rolls)! Now, they weren't really "concerned" but it was the only area she didn't get an A+. In a way it's good because she is showing that she is a good eater and a good gainer but she is getting out of proportion. Her length is still around the 5th percentile for her adjusted age and her weight is up to about 20th percentile. Those numbers used to be even, with both height and weight in the 5th percentile, but she is outgrowing her length in width (read: her waistline is growing a little too fast for her height). The worry with this is that when she gets to the age where she should start to roll over, being too chubby can prevent her from being able to do so. Fortunately, there is a reason for all this. If you can recall, we have been fortifying all of my breast milk with formula to help her gain weight, which for a long time she did need because not so long ago her lack of steady weight gain was a concern. So now we are cutting calories since Cameron is basically telling us that she is a good enough eater that we don't need to pack in the calories like we used to. I'll still be fortifying some but only with about half the amount of formula we were before. We go back to the NICU follow up clinic in another 3 months where they will reassess and make any changes as necessary. Oh, and with all this talk about weight, I guess I should tell you what it is! Cameron is a hefty 9 pounds 3 ounces!! She is SO BIG :D

In other BIG news, the neonatologist looked at all of the data from the apnea/brady monitor Cameron has been wearing for the past 2 months she has been home. She had one very small brady (heart rate drop) but nothing that concerned the doctor so we are now MONITOR FREE! I have to admit that it's a very scary thought and I may or may not have hinted that I wouldn't mind her wearing it for a while longer, but the doctor told me in a really nice way that I needed to let it go because she simply doesn't need it anymore, and she's right. In a way I will miss the monitor and in a way I won't. I liked having that peace of mind but it is pretty awesome that Cameron is now free of all things preemie related. She came off the caffeine two weeks ago and will come off the monitor today. The medical equipment company will be here later to pick up the monitor, at which point all the medical equipment and all the medications will be gone. Other than monitoring for developmental delays and a few extra calories, Cameron is officially a "normal" baby. It is such a weird feeling, for the first time in her life, she is expected to just live and breathe on her own. Makes me sad in a way, she's growing up so fast, just in a different way than other people experience. In a strange way I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of my tiny, fragile, "special needs" baby. But I'm happy, truly, truly happy that while I used to question whether or not we would ever get to this point, we are finally here.

Congratulations Cameron, I'm so proud of you, you are so strong! YOU DID IT!!!

More babies?

One of the questions that I am frequently asked and am frequently asking myself is if and when I might want to have another baby. For a long time I was really sad about this question but I am finally in a very good place with it. It took me 5 months to get to this place but I really think I'm totally at peace with it.

At first I felt like I needed to have an answer, I needed to figure out if I was or if I wasn't going to have another baby. I've always been a planner so I didn't like the fact that I no longer had a clear vision for my family. Before prematurity happened I wanted 4 kids that were all 2-3 years apart. I had every intention of fulfilling that vision, but what I had not intended was to start my family this early at the age of 22. Cameron came along though and we were fine with that but then prematurity happened and that is what changed everything.

The nice thing is the pressure is completely off, I no longer have ANY expectations for myself or my family. None whatsoever. With that vision of having 4 kids 2-3 years apart no longer possible I have completely let go of the dream. I am putting no pressure on myself to have another baby at a certain point in time. I am putting no pressure on myself to even decide if I want another baby by a certain point in time. I honestly just don't really care anymore what my future self decides. So my simple answer to the question of will I have more babies is "I really don't know".

Here is what I do know: Cameron is the center of my world and the light of my life. Right now the only thing I care about is enjoying every single day that I get to wake up and be just Cameron's mom. I love that little girl more than anything I could possibly imagine and I am excited about the fact that I get to enjoy her and only her as much as I want, for as long as I want without worrying about if and when there will be more babies to follow. And I have to say I am really liking this freedom.

In hindsight, I am so glad I had Cameron at 22 because when it comes to having more babies, age isn't a factor which allows me to put no pressure on myself. I don't have to worry about how my time is running out to have another baby. I could decide I want another baby in 10 years and I will still only be 32 years old. But I could always decide I want one sooner. Again though, I'm not concerned about what my future self decides, all I know is I have plenty of time so I'm just leaving it at that. Either I will wake up one day and feel ready to try again or I won't wake up one day and feel ready to try again but that only time will tell.

Do I have a guess? Yes, I think Josh and I will be ready again one day. I think my desire to have another baby will eventually outweigh my fears. But I truly have NO idea when. And while I think I will be ready again it doesn't mean I will be and I am 100% okay with that.

Happy Valentine's Day to us!

Cameron had a bittersweet Valentine's Day. I took her for another ophthalmologist appointment and that was the part that she obviously didn't enjoy. What is exciting though is that her ROP is gone and her retina are fully developed! Which means we have graduated from the eye doctor!! No more eye exams for Cam :D

After Cameron's eye appointment was over, Josh had set up a massage for me at a massotherapy place near our house. I dropped Cameron off at home and went to my massage, which was amazing! So today ended up being a great day for me, great news and a massage!!

And in case you're wondering I got Josh a Mr. Beer brewing kit. It takes 2 weeks to brew your own small batch of beer and he's really excited about it. He will probably start the project sometime within the next week. We will let you know how it tastes :)

Happy Valentine's Day!!

An early Valentine's Day post!

I took a bunch of Valentine's Day pictures of Cameron and they turned out so great! I was even lucky enough to get some REAL smiles on camera for the first time! I had gotten some smile-like photos where it happened to look like she was smiling at the moment I took the shot, but these photos are a real prolonged smile (they are towards the end)! I was so excited :D So here they are!

Cameron really is turning out to be quite the model! I am loving all the great pictures I am getting of her. Also, Cameron is getting to be a very high maintenance baby which is a-okay with me, but the blog is suffering a little bit. I have so much stuff I want to post about, just never the time but I will get back to it!! We have an eye appointment this week so I may have news after that, but overall everything is going quite well in our hosue. I should also mention that Cameron is a whopping 8 pounds! Actually 8 and a quarter at this point and she is soon to be growing out of her newborn diapers and clothing. She has almost quadrupled her birth weight which is crazy!! It is still so surreal to look back on the days when I wondered if we would ever get to this point. But Cameron is so strong and she truly amazes me, I am so incredibly proud of her and I hope one day she understands how proud I am.

52 week ABC photo challenge

I'm starting a photo challenge where I have to post a picture every week of something that starts with a specific letter of the alphabet. There are 26 letters in the alphabet and 52 weeks in the year so we will go through the alphabet twice. Who knows if I'll be able to keep up with it but I'd like to try! I am really enjoying documenting Cameron's life and having something that I can look back on. This will make it easy for me to look at the year in review because I'll have a bunch of pictures that I can put in an obvious chronological order. One day I would like to take all of the things from my blog, print them out, and make a scrapbook for Cameron to have when she's older and I think this would make for a cute scrapbook.

So I missed the first week of January which was obviously the letter 'A'. I'm putting the first and second week together in this blog. I'm giving my self extra points for the double in this one :)

And for 'B' I chose Babylegs! I love these things, they are like leg warmers for babies. If we're not going out of the house or doing anything special I can just put her in a onesie and babylegs and not worry about her being too cold without pants! It makes diaper changes super easy since I don't have to worry about anything but her onesie.

I think I'm going to add one more thing in these weekly posts, I want to take pictures of all the outfits she wears since she doesn't wear them very long. I love all of her clothes and I wish she could wear everything forever but unfortunately she outgrows stuff so fast! I thought this would be a good place to add them in since it will be a weekly thing and again, I can look through everything in chronological order as she outgrows things but I won't start that until next week.

Must have baby items (newborn)

Fisher Price Rock N Play

This item is wonderful for reflux. It became obvious that Cameron was not going to sleep at night on a flat surface so we switched to the Rock N Play. It allows the baby to sleep on an incline and meets all safety standards for nighttime sleep unlike a bouncer or swing. She does not spit up nearly as much when she is sleeping on an incline vs on a flat surface. It also folds up very compactly which makes it easy to bring it anywhere.

Soothe and Glow Seahorse

I've made this part of our bedtime routine so that Cameron has some cues for when it's bedtime vs naptime. I put this next to her in the Rock N Play and allow it to play a couple of times through. It plays soothing songs and noises and honestly helps her get to sleep. It also lights up so that she can transition from the bright living room to the dark bedroom more easily.

Lots and lots and lots of burp cloths

We truly go through burp cloths like there's no tomorrow. Preemies often have more reflux/spit up issues due to weakened esophageal sphincters and Cameron is no exception. She spits up constantly and burp cloths are necessary wherever we go. We couldn't possibly have too many.

Arm and Hammer diaper pail

I love this thing. It is very small/compact and holds about 5-10 days worth of diapers. It's super quick and easy to change the bags and it really helps keep the smell contained.

Nosefrida

I hate the bulb aspirator that they give you in the hospital. The nosefrida works a million times better. I would not be able to get any of Cam's boogers out without it. I put some saline drops in her nose first and then suck everything out with the nosefrida. Yes you actually suck the boogers out with your mouth but there is a foam piece that blocks the boogers from making it to you.

Tommee Tippee bottles

These bottles are what got us out of the NICU. The day I brought them in is the day she started taking all of her feeds by bottle. Who knows how much longer we would have been there without them. They look and feel much more like a breast than other bottles which I think makes bottle feeding easier for babies since they instinctively know how to breast feed.

Moby wrap

I absolutely love my moby wrap. It's wonderful being able to carry Cameron around hands free while she is sleeping. There are so many things I can get done while holding her (dishes etc) plus she sleeps much better with me than by herself in her swing/bouncer/rock n play. Babywearing promotes growth and cognitive development in the baby and a stronger bond between mother and baby.

Graco Deluxe Stylus Travel System

This travel system is the best! I haven't used any others out there so I guess I can't really compare but I love it! The stroller folds up so easily and fits really nicely into our car. The car seat is pretty easy to get in and out once you get the hang of it too. I love how easy it is to pop the car seat out of the car and into the stroller. There are so many neat features there are very easy to use. Assembly was also quick and easy.

Hygeia baby scale

Because of Cameron's struggles gaining weight in the NICU I needed a scale at home to monitor her weight gain myself so this isn't a "normal" baby product. But I would still use it if I had another "normal" baby. I think it gives you really good insight about your baby. I can be completely confident that she is either gaining properly or I can change what we are doing in order to make her gain properly

She looks a lot like her dad too...

Josh's mom gave us some baby pictures of him today and they also look a whole lot alike. I guess it doesn't matter who she looks like, she is too cute either way! I just think it's fun to compare. Not surprisingly, I think she is definitely a combination of both.

Baby picture of Josh

Cameron

And of course I have more cute pictures of Cam that I need to share!

On our way to the pediatrician

Just hangin out with dad!

Not happy

New years eve outfit

On her first walk!! It was really nice out for January!

REALLY not happy

She's so cute sitting in this chair.
I'm going to start taking monthly pictures
of her in it so you can see her growth.

I should mention that Cameron is officially 6 pounds!!! She is growing so fast! Her legs are starting to look really chubby :)